Choices

People are always talking about choices. Are you pro choice or pro life? Do you like chocolate or vanilla? I wonder what about those things we don't get to choose.

To be totally honest, I would have never chosen for Emily to have Down syndrome. It wasn't like I was pregnant and anticipating her birth and thought to myself "Wouldn't it be great if she had some major disability that would cause people to look at her strange and create life long health issues?" I mean, who does that?

Now admittedly, Emily has got to be the cutest child in the entire world, so when people look at her, I just tell myself they are amazed at the sheer beauty that she radiates, but there are days it just gets to you.

Tonight I had to sit down and pretty much violate my precious daughter. She has a serious bowel issue and requires at minimum a weekly enema. I would rather hang myself than have to put my daughter through such torture, but it is either this or blockages that require surgery. Watching her cry as we go through the procedure breaks my heart. I spent the hour after just telling her how sorry that I am.

If I had the choice, I would make this bowel issue go away. If I had the choice I would have chosen that she not need open heart surgery at 8 months old. If I had the choice, we would only see doctors once a year or so instead of once every few months. If I had the choice, I would keep my heart from stopping every single time she has an unexplained fever. You see, children with Down syndrome are at a much higher risk of Leukemia and unexplained fevers could mean low blood counts which could mean the "C" word. I really hate the "C" word.

If I had the choice I wouldn't insist that they draw blood at least twice a year just to get a count on what is her "normal".

However, I didn't get the choice. Instead I was chosen. Looking at things in that manner I realize that there is one thing I would not change if given the choice. I would not change the fact that Emily has Down syndrome. Yes, life has been a bit more scary at times, but what an amazing ride.

Never was it so triumphant when one of my children walked. I mean, Emily had been working on it for two years and the smile on that beautiful girl's face when she made it to the couch from the table was one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen. She was so proud of herself.

Never did it seem so mind blowing to watch my child eat with utensils. Never did the sound of a beating heart bring me to tears quite like when I heard Emily's following her heart surgery.

You see, I might not have been given the choice about Emily and Down syndrome, but even if I had been; I wouldn't have changed a thing.

Sometimes lack of choices brings the greatest reward.

Head meet wall

I promised myself that this blog would not turn into "that kind of blog", but it seems here I am right where I didn't want to be.

The crazy ex wife called today. After the ridiculous time we had trying to get the children home from her last visitation, Hubby said "No more visits". Great because after that drama, I seriously packed a bag and came as close as I have ever come to leaving for good.

Well, as he is speaking to her today I keep hearing him say "maybe, maybe...I said maybe." I am a curious soul and since this involves me in at least some small (huge) way, I rightly asked him what the conversation was about.

He says that she is wanting to pick them up next weekend. My first response; "Are you fucking kidding me? Please tell me you just said maybe to get her off the phone." Now, for those new to this whole thing (no one, but I can dream), we have had the children for nine years. She literally dropped them at our door with a trash bag of clothes each and then disappeared for almost a year.

Since she has come back into their lives more frequently (every three or four months) she has done her best to manipulate the children. The weekend in question was a nightmare. She didn't want to bring the children home, so she made up some elaborate story that left Hubby yelling at me and me packing up to take our two children somewhere far, far away.

To even give her the slightest idea she would be allowed to take them for another weekend simply astounds me. It has taken two weeks just to get the youngest child to interact with us again.

Hubby got angry at my "questioning HIS decisions" when in reality, I am the one that will face the hell upon their return. I am not up for another round and I am totally sick and tired of not being allowed to speak my opinion on matters that have dire consequences on my life.

He was in the midst of cooking dinner. The kids are hungry. What did he do? Went to the bedroom and took a nap. It took youngest child going in there to find out the status of dinner. I should mention that he slept until 10 this morning, so it was absolute bullshit for him to be lying down.

He informs her he is no longer cooking. Fine, I head off to finish up and he yells at me to leave the kitchen. No problem, asshole.

I hear Florida is beautiful this time of year.

When crazy moves in

My oldest daughter went to visit her father a month ago. She left here a typical teenage girl. She had a smart attitude at times, but she was overall a good kid. We were very close and I knew I would miss her for the month she was away.

Notice I used the past tense? Two weeks after arriving there my sweet little girl turned into Sybil. She had unprotected sex with some boy she had just met and apparently became pregnant. Ironically, she stopped taking her birth control pills because she didn't want to get fat. Well, how did that work out for ya, missy?

Since that time she has changed personalities more often than she normally changes clothes. One day I am her best friend and she misses me terribly. Other days I am the devil and she hates my guts. I just ask that she pick a personality and stick with it. My prozac isn't up for this.

Last night was the final straw. She has deleted me from her Facebook at least twice in the past three weeks. I had stopped even attempting to talk with her since I don't speak crazy. After my youngest son's orientation last night I begin getting these crazy text messages.

According to "Sybil" I have been texting her ex boyfriend. Now let me make a few things clear; I have a very sick three year old that is getting ready to undergo some major tests. I have a five year old that is starting all day Kindergarten on Tuesday and three other children gearing up for school. I also have a rather demanding husband. I do not have time to text some 15 year old boy, nor do I have the desire. I only speak to my own 15 y/o because the law says I must.

She called me a dumb bitch and demanded that I stay out of her life. Reality check little one; you are my responsibility and oh yes, YOU contacted me. Where is her father in all of this? Apparently somewhere with his head stuck so far up his ass that the doctors are unsure they can remove it.

Listen up little one, I love you more than life itself, but here is a newsflash for you; my world does NOT revolve around you. You have siblings that require my care and attention as well. Go sell crazy some place else, we are all stocked up here.

Story of my life

I have just recently (today) come back to this blog. I originally created it so that I could move some post over from another site in case that site shut down. Once that threat became moot, I pretty much abandoned this blog.

Today, a dear friend decided to come over to the darkside (we do have cookies after all) and created a blog over here. I figured this was as good a time as any to bring my site back from the dead and start anew.

Imagine my horror when I realized that a word in the title of my blog was misspelled. Now, for those of you that don't know me, I am a spelling snob. I really feel that people respond to you differently if you are not well spoken and unable to spell. Blame the fact that I grew up in the South. People automatically deducted 50 IQ points the moment they heard my accent. I had to prove to them that I was indeed an intelligent person.

So, for those of you that had a nice chuckle at my mistake and quickly ran from the woman that couldn't spell "humorous" correctly, please stop back in. I did not proofread my information when creating the title and am now horrified that this mistake went undetected for a year.

Thanks, April

Never one to be left out and not wanting to lose my blog friend...I am back to blogger. I haven't had overwhelming success here, but maybe it is time for something new so that I can express myself without fear of others (crazy exes for instance) finding out information that is none of their business.

My life is in shambles at this precise moment. Maybe coming here to begin again is just the ticket to remind me of why I began writing in the first place.

I can't promise you brilliance with even one of my blogs, but I can promise you I am often funny and more often slightly crazy. Who knows, you might just like what you read.

Sink or swim | gwacemom on Momaroo

Sink or swim | gwacemom on Momaroo

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Living with a lesbian

Now if that title doesn't drive some traffic my way, nothing will.

I have talked openly about my sister and our non relationship. I have also been very open about my sister's sexual preference. She isn't ashamed to say that she is in love with a woman and I find no reason to be ashamed either. After reading this post I left a comment and later was asked had I ever blogged about my sister. I realized that I had never really talked about what life was like growing up with a lesbian, so a blog was born.

If asked to go back in time and tell you the precise moment I knew my sister was gay the best that I could do is just tell you; it was obvious if you knew what you were looking for. Obviously, I had no idea what I was looking for, but it certainly didn't shock me when she came out at the age of twenty-one.

As I was writing, I kept finding myself backspacing entire paragraphs because I felt that I was making her seem to stereotypical, but the truth is; she was a bit stereotypical.
Kim didn't have a ton of close girl friends when we were growing up. By girl friends, I mean just that; girls that were friends. She was a bit of a tomboy. If you forced Kim to wear a dress I can promise you she was wearing it with tube socks and sneakers. When it came time to play with dolls, Kim always went for the GI Joe figures while I stuck very closely with my Barbies. She was as tough as any boy I knew then or even now. You did not mess with Kim if you expected to remain upright.

My personal opinion as to why friendships with girls at a young age were few and far between is that she was fighting that person that she knew she was. If you found yourself attracted to a member of the same sex back in the seventies and eighties, you didn't exactly shout it from the rooftops. In many ways I think Kim was scared and confused. I want to again say; I have not spoken to my sister about this, these are just my own thoughts.

Growing up with my sister was pretty normal. We would fight and then we would figure out a way to exist together. She didn't have two heads and she didn't hit on my friends. She was my big sister and I loved her. We were raised in the same home with the same set of parents. There was no tragic incident that "turned Kim gay". It is my personal feeling that she was born gay and just had to sort out her own feelings before admitting them to others.

Three weeks after I announced my engagement my sister chose to come out. I am not sure if the timing was intentional or not, but it did leave a bit of a damper on my upcoming nuptials. My mother didn't handle it as well as I am sure she would have liked, but she did handle it. For a time Kim was really living a wild life. She was not only dating women, she was dating a lot of women. She immediately cut her hair into this short haircut. If Kim had one "girlie" thing about her, it was her hair. It was a beautiful strawberry blond and she spent hours curling it just so. I can still recall the look of horror that crossed my mom's face when Kim walked in with her new do. The next two years with Kim were wild. She seemed hellbent on shocking all of us with her behavior.

You have to understand; Kim and I were raised in a fairly conservative family. We had some issues, but for the most part, we were a God fearing family. Kim and I were raised in the church and were both very active all the way from childhood into our adult years. Drinking was not something that we did on a regular basis and we certainly didn't flaunt our sexual escapades in front of the family. (Okay, I didn't have sexual escapades, but Kim was always a bit more wild than me). Suddenly she was coming home reeking of alcohol and with "love marks" covering certain areas of her body. It was a time in our lives that I won't ever forget, but thankfully Kim seemed to realize she was going down a pretty destructive path and got it together.

It was about that time that she met her first serious love. M was a wonderful woman that instantly became part of our family. They lived together for almost twenty years before parting ways just a few years ago. M was with us through the birth of my first three children, the loss of both our fathers, and the end of my marriage. I always looked at M as another sister and thought she and Kim had the perfect relationship. While my "traditional" marriage was in shambles, my sister and M were purchasing their first home. When I was fighting it out two years later over custody, Kim and M were purchasing new cars. They had what seemed the ideal life. They just happened to be two women in love.

Over the course of their relationship they traveled all over the country. They purchased two homes and watched several of their friends settle down and have children. Kim and M chose not to have a child because Kim really didn't do well with them. She liked the freedom that came from being a childless couple and M agreed. They had a love more real than many straight couples I have seen. M was a huge source of strength for us all when our step father passed away suddenly.

They lived their lives just like any other married couple, but they were never given the right to marry. I am unsure what caused the end of their relationship, but I know that both walked away very hurt from the ending.

My children grew up knowing Aunt Kim and Aunt M. They never asked me why Kim wasn't married to a man. They just seemed to accept that M was Kim's partner. My brother was only 4 when Kim came out to us, so my mother never mentioned it to him either. When he turned eleven, mom felt it was time to come clean with him. They were in the car one afternoon and she brought up the subject of Kim and M. She asked him did he find it strange that Kim was not married like I was to my husband. He just looked at her kind of funny and told her that Kim was married. She was married to M. My mom then went on to ask him did he understand what that meant. My brother again looked at her funny and said; "yeah mom, it means Kim and M are gay; didn't you know that?"

I miss M a great deal. I think that she was a very calming influence in my sister's life. They outlasted my marriage by more than ten years and if not for my sister's (and my) way of not dealing with love very well; I would imagine they would have been together forever.

My sister is a lesbian. I am not. We were raised by Christian parents in a Christian home. My sister was not sexually abused as a child nor was she abused in any way. I grew up with a lesbian and I still want men. Kim grew up with a straight person and still wants women.

Living with a sister that happened to be a lesbian was really no different than growing up with a sister that was straight. I love her and miss her and I really don't give a damn who she sleeps with at night; I would just like to give her a hug.

When I started writing this blog (more than two days ago) I really had a different thing in mind. For whatever reasons, this is the direction that it took and no matter how many times I tried to get it back on track, this is where it headed. I hope that this muddled mess makes sense to everyone. I really wanted to focus on growing up with my sister, but never seemed to be able to find the words. Anyway, if I offend anyone with my opinions, please know that was not my intentions. I believe firmly in what I have stated, but understand that others might disagree. I welcome the disagreement, but just ask that you keep it respectful. Thanks!