Saturday, September 12, 2009

Living with a lesbian

Now if that title doesn't drive some traffic my way, nothing will.


I have talked openly about my sister and our non relationship. I have also been very open about my sister's sexual preference. She isn't ashamed to say that she is in love with a woman and I find no reason to be ashamed either. After reading this post I left a comment and later was asked had I ever blogged about my sister. I realized that I had never really talked about what life was like growing up with a lesbian, so a blog was born.


If asked to go back in time and tell you the precise moment I knew my sister was gay the best that I could do is just tell you; it was obvious if you knew what you were looking for. Obviously, I had no idea what I was looking for, but it certainly didn't shock me when she came out at the age of twenty-one.


As I was writing, I kept finding myself backspacing entire paragraphs because I felt that I was making her seem to stereotypical, but the truth is; she was a bit stereotypical.
Kim didn't have a ton of close girl friends when we were growing up. By girl friends, I mean just that; girls that were friends. She was a bit of a tomboy. If you forced Kim to wear a dress I can promise you she was wearing it with tube socks and sneakers. When it came time to play with dolls, Kim always went for the GI Joe figures while I stuck very closely with my Barbies. She was as tough as any boy I knew then or even now. You did not mess with Kim if you expected to remain upright.


My personal opinion as to why friendships with girls at a young age were few and far between is that she was fighting that person that she knew she was. If you found yourself attracted to a member of the same sex back in the seventies and eighties, you didn't exactly shout it from the rooftops. In many ways I think Kim was scared and confused. I want to again say; I have not spoken to my sister about this, these are just my own thoughts.


Growing up with my sister was pretty normal. We would fight and then we would figure out a way to exist together. She didn't have two heads and she didn't hit on my friends. She was my big sister and I loved her. We were raised in the same home with the same set of parents. There was no tragic incident that "turned Kim gay". It is my personal feeling that she was born gay and just had to sort out her own feelings before admitting them to others.


Three weeks after I announced my engagement my sister chose to come out. I am not sure if the timing was intentional or not, but it did leave a bit of a damper on my upcoming nuptials. My mother didn't handle it as well as I am sure she would have liked, but she did handle it. For a time Kim was really living a wild life. She was not only dating women, she was dating a lot of women. She immediately cut her hair into this short haircut. If Kim had one "girlie" thing about her, it was her hair. It was a beautiful strawberry blond and she spent hours curling it just so. I can still recall the look of horror that crossed my mom's face when Kim walked in with her new do. The next two years with Kim were wild. She seemed hellbent on shocking all of us with her behavior.


You have to understand; Kim and I were raised in a fairly conservative family. We had some issues, but for the most part, we were a God fearing family. Kim and I were raised in the church and were both very active all the way from childhood into our adult years. Drinking was not something that we did on a regular basis and we certainly didn't flaunt our sexual escapades in front of the family. (Okay, I didn't have sexual escapades, but Kim was always a bit more wild than me). Suddenly she was coming home reeking of alcohol and with "love marks" covering certain areas of her body. It was a time in our lives that I won't ever forget, but thankfully Kim seemed to realize she was going down a pretty destructive path and got it together.


It was about that time that she met her first serious love. M was a wonderful woman that instantly became part of our family. They lived together for almost twenty years before parting ways just a few years ago. M was with us through the birth of my first three children, the loss of both our fathers, and the end of my marriage. I always looked at M as another sister and thought she and Kim had the perfect relationship. While my "traditional" marriage was in shambles, my sister and M were purchasing their first home. When I was fighting it out two years later over custody, Kim and M were purchasing new cars. They had what seemed the ideal life. They just happened to be two women in love.


Over the course of their relationship they traveled all over the country. They purchased two homes and watched several of their friends settle down and have children. Kim and M chose not to have a child because Kim really didn't do well with them. She liked the freedom that came from being a childless couple and M agreed. They had a love more real than many straight couples I have seen. M was a huge source of strength for us all when our step father passed away suddenly.


They lived their lives just like any other married couple, but they were never given the right to marry. I am unsure what caused the end of their relationship, but I know that both walked away very hurt from the ending.


My children grew up knowing Aunt Kim and Aunt M. They never asked me why Kim wasn't married to a man. They just seemed to accept that M was Kim's partner. My brother was only 4 when Kim came out to us, so my mother never mentioned it to him either. When he turned eleven, mom felt it was time to come clean with him. They were in the car one afternoon and she brought up the subject of Kim and M. She asked him did he find it strange that Kim was not married like I was to my husband. He just looked at her kind of funny and told her that Kim was married. She was married to M. My mom then went on to ask him did he understand what that meant. My brother again looked at her funny and said; "yeah mom, it means Kim and M are gay; didn't you know that?"


I miss M a great deal. I think that she was a very calming influence in my sister's life. They outlasted my marriage by more than ten years and if not for my sister's (and my) way of not dealing with love very well; I would imagine they would have been together forever.


My sister is a lesbian. I am not. We were raised by Christian parents in a Christian home. My sister was not sexually abused as a child nor was she abused in any way. I grew up with a lesbian and I still want men. Kim grew up with a straight person and still wants women.


Living with a sister that happened to be a lesbian was really no different than growing up with a sister that was straight. I love her and miss her and I really don't give a damn who she sleeps with at night; I would just like to give her a hug.


When I started writing this blog (more than two days ago) I really had a different thing in mind. For whatever reasons, this is the direction that it took and no matter how many times I tried to get it back on track, this is where it headed. I hope that this muddled mess makes sense to everyone. I really wanted to focus on growing up with my sister, but never seemed to be able to find the words. Anyway, if I offend anyone with my opinions, please know that was not my intentions. I believe firmly in what I have stated, but understand that others might disagree. I welcome the disagreement, but just ask that you keep it respectful. Thanks!