Living with disappointment

My marriage is over. We are both aware of this and while he really believes he can change my mind prior to June (my planned exit), he can't. I do my best to live a peaceful life. The children deserve that. I don't hate him. I often thing it would be easier if I did.

Today I had planned on dying Easter eggs. I had hoped that he would be an active participant and help make some memories with the children. When we discussed it last night, he was gung ho and led me to believe this would be something they could tuck away in their memory for when tougher times hit.

I did my best to go set things up before the kids got wind of it, but that didn't happen. Suddenly I had two children trying their best to "help". I call out for the husband and his response was a flat "Why do I have to come help?" Well, you don't, but why wouldn't you want to be a part of this?

It disappoints me. It angers me. It completely leaves me stressed and trying to get it all organized myself while the five and seven year old are moving the newspapers, grabbing the dye, etc. What was supposed to be a fun family activity turned into me snapping at them to leave the kitchen while I got it ready.

This was not how I wanted it. I sometimes wonder, am I crazy to want a partner that enjoys time with the family? Am I asking for too much the way that I am often led to believe? I don't expect perfection, but just once I want my spouse to sit down and engage the kids in a family activity.

I want a spouse that shows up for award ceremonies on occasion. I understand that work gets in the way often, but when you can take off to attend a trade show in LA for the day, surely an hour off to watch your son sing in the school program wouldn't cause your firing.

I am often told that I have an "unrealistic expectation of love" and that no one will ever live up to the image in my mind. Well, if having a man that cares more about me and our family than work and alcohol, is unrealistic, I will remain alone. Thank you very much.